I sit here wondering,
when the next time I’ll hear your voice will be.
sober and stumbling,
catch my wonder in a whim.
find my heartstring,
tugged by your voice through the ethos.
a sound clash,
louder than lightning, wrapped up in spring.
the melting of icecream,
against the warmth of a fire.
louder than the taste,
of a smore on a pyre.
burning through chaos,
the match madness of desire.
i hope to hold you,
abate my desire.
love you to my heart’s desire.
I didn’t replace the happiness you gave me.
It’s not taken over by other stuff,
Like you predicted it would.
I’ve found other things to plug the gaps with,
But plugging gaps with people that don’t seem to be made from the same fabric as you,
is a slightly different construction maneuver than simply laying bricks.
I AM, however, incessantly glad, it rolled around this fast.
Not going to lie though,
and say i don’t think about you (mmnnhmm)
But its a lot less, and definitely less sexual.
I’ve somehow managed to make peace with the fact that,
If you’re not picking me,
and you know you aren’t,
that should be a clear enough indicator of things.
I have NO idea what getting my texts feels like to you,
but I’m not blocked yet,
and i definitely celebrated that,
FOR SURE.
I thought I might’ve been,
after revealing to you, that you weren’t making me as sad as before.
It’s a joy to not be as sad though.
Maybe it’s being at home.
Maybe it’s the love of my dogs.
Maybe it’s being able to physically hold a human thing and have it love me back.
To be fair,
I knew i was coming back for my dogs anyway,
But they mightve been the band-aid i didn’t think would work as well.
They also fill up so much more of my time than regular,
And I’ve been trying to hustle at work too.
Kinda makes me wonder how the fuck you’re doing all your 100 days stuff all alone.
That’s insane as all hel
don’t know how to tell you i miss you.
that i think it every single day, all the time.
i crave to kiss you,
the lack of ever having done it, makes it less than fine.
your words spin tentacles around my brain,
yearning that causes pain,
a chokehold in parts,
where all i can do is complain.
But it’s all just me,
To me,
About me,
for you.
not having enough to do,
definitely leaves me a fool,
because i know, and you do too,
we both deserve better.
you for someone who is your equal in ambition,
and me for someone who is my equal in volition.
yet,
day after day,
i wake up sad,
so farr, all the days of may,
hoping you were fighting to stay,
except life is full of dismay.
i hate that our chapter never got written,
and yet, the only reason it exists, is words.
it’s daily band-aids rn,
hoping that I’ll get my bestfriend back,
but with the paths my life has taken before,
the last thing I’ll have again,
is you.
i miss you.
I’m sitting in Ria’s house,
Like I have been for the last 10 days -
wondering when i’ll get to talk to you again.
I caved on Saturday, got very drunk,
and sent you like 20 messages to see if anything would stick,
Except it didnt.
I messaged Ridhi just now, and sort of insinuated i’d like her to come over to Ria’s so I had some company to smoke with,
But I also know that it’s been a while since she went home, so she’s gotta do that.
And it’s just made me miss you more,
Like I think now I even think you’re not posting on Twitter because you dont want me to stalk you,
Not to sound too self-involved or egotistical,
But after I told you I follow you from an alt account, it feels like you’ve reduced posting even more.
Which kinda sucks, that you have to dull yourself,
‘Cause you’re scared it’ll have me hooked again.
Anywho though,
Ridhi asked me, “Are you okay?” and I replied, “I’m always okay” but I did think in my head, “My median is always okay” it’s the fluctuations from the median that change my state.
Except i then sat infront of my laptop and thought about if I felt okay at all,
and just started crying instead,
Cause it hurts to miss you,
And not having the answer to when the hurting will stop kinda sucks.
It sucks even more that I’m constantly hoping that we’ll roll back around,
because it seems stupid that we were so good and bad together,
and yet not enough at all.
So much feels like it went unsaid,
Like I think one of the first reasons I followed you was cause you did the ODCB cohort,
And I really wanted the inside scoop you had from there.
But not just that,
I also wanted to know what you were doing at 💯.
Now it feels like even sharing work stuff,
Like that AI podcast I shared is detrimental for me,
Except it’s exactly what I want to do.
The way I was able to talk to you about,
Not just work,
but my life, and everything about it -
I miss my bestfriend.
I also miss the chemistry my bestfriend and I shared though.
It makes me lie in bed and wonder what you think at night,
If every night when 10pm rolls around,
You go out of your way to not pay attention to your phone.
If you ever lie awake and scroll through all the chats we had,
Given that you’re far better at this
Healthy, Boundary-drawn, Restraint way of life,
Then that hurts extra, thinking about the fact that i’m clearly more into it than you are.
Knowing that sucks.
Not to forget the fact that you ended our conversation on the fact that you’d come to India,
after months and months of me trying to convince you to try it.
The first day of May.
Seems like one of those days i ought to remember,
The day lips touched mine that i felt like i could dissolve into.
The day touch felt like i would want it to be a part of my person.
The day your waist was so touchable, I’m not sure sensation has ever felt so beautiful.
I’ve kissed one other with genitalia the same as mine before,
And i can self assuredly say it did not feel like soft cushions against my lips.
I lie and lay tonight,
Hoping your limbs were around to caress.
I’d stay up all night if my lips could be on it.
Maybe it’s lust,
Maybe it’s Maybelline,
But girl. Are you gorgeous.
Maybe mercury is in retrograde,
Because my bar has never been set so high before.
Fireworks while there may have been none,
The joyous hold of someone’s limbs,
Leaves an impression like no raindrop could leave on a leaf.
T-Swizz sang of walking home after being kissed when she was fifteen,
You make me feel it, way long after.
I’d let your lips lay,
whatever place they find on my body,
most favourable obviously being on mine.
I’d hoist you.
On my lap.
Yours against mine,
and slowly envelop you,
In both my arms and lips,
to make sure you know how glorious you feel.
There’s a few opportunities I’ve had in my life,
to feel the way i do,
when there’s people like you,
around for the crew.
It’s less than 24 hours,
And i can’t wait,
for my lips.
to land.
Their safe landing spot.
On yours.
Soft.
Pillowy.
Delish.
Gorgeous.
Oh boy, what a train ride ☺️
The first day of May.
Seems like one of those days i ought to remember,
The day lips touched mine that i felt like i could dissolve into.
The day touch felt like i would want it to be a part of my person.
The day your waist was so touchable, I’m not sure sensation has ever felt so beautiful.
I’ve kissed one other with genitalia the same as mine before,
And i can self assuredly say it did not feel like soft cushions against my lips.
I lie and lay tonight,
Hoping your limbs were around to caress.
I’d stay up all night if my lips could be on it.
Maybe it’s lust,
Maybe it’s Maybelline,
But girl. Are you gorgeous.
Maybe mercury is in retrograde,
Because my bar has never been set so high before.
Fireworks while there may have been none,
The joyous hold of someone’s limbs,
Leaves an impression like no raindrop could leave on a leaf.
T-Swizz sang of walking home after being kissed when she was fifteen,
You make me feel it, way long after.
I’d let your lips lay,
whatever place they find on my body,
most favourable obviously being on mine.
I’d hoist you.
On my lap.
Yours against mine,
and slowly envelop you,
In both my arms and lips,
to make sure you know how glorious you feel.
There’s a few opportunities I’ve had in my life,
to feel the way i do,
when there’s people like you,
around for the crew.
It’s less than 24 hours,
And i can’t wait,
for my lips.
to land.
Their safe landing spot.
On yours.
Soft.
Pillowy.
Delish.
Gorgeous.
Oh boy, what a train ride ☺️
It’s rare to feel this light.
Today i came back to say goodbye properly, before I disappeared.
Over the last couple of days i’ve REALLY been in my thoughts about you.
They have gone up, down, and every other direction imaginable.
I just opened the door after Vignesh left as well, and as I did, i couldnt help but think I feel less sad now than I did before.
Like the last few days have felt like absolute mammothian bullshit personally, cause of the thought of losing you.
I’ve put myself through all the possible thoughtframes.
I think I fell in love with you, because it’s been insanely easy.
I’ve never had to think extra about sharing a single thing with you, it just comes out easy, it’s like you have some weird kind of key to my mind.
And I guess that’s just one of the loves i’ll have in my life. Which I could never possibly be happy about.
For all the loyal puppy I call myself, I definitely made myself hella doomsy to see if it could get a rise out of you, unfortunately - which maybe shouldn’t have been the route I took.
But my life has never felt nicer.
Having you around has been such a blessing,
I dont think I deserve you either, but all I’ve ever wanted is you.
I think the thing you’ve given me is actually the ability to be entirely myself, and just accepted it with absolute ease.
If it meant how good I was with words, the way I understand sarcasm and can play off it with you, or be cryptic, because mostly, you get it, those are some of the crutches I stand on.
But there’s also all the times you kind of save me from going through an absolute self worth rage trigger spiral around my parents,
Because somehow all I need is to talk about what im thinking, but I cant ever with my own family -
And the fact that you willingly will communicate and put yourself through trenches to know what someone’s feeling, and how you can actively help them, but then also take the steps to change - it’s mind-boggling that you would.
Especially for a me.
I’m a nobody.
You’d never even heard me on a phone call. Or seen me.
Or even ever met me.
And you gave me more than my own blood & family ever did.
I think that’s the hard part to accept, I guess.
Is the fact that you were able to give me all the emotional bits I havent got from my family ever,
and then also the sexting.
LIKE, WTAF is that sexual chemistry.
So, combine those together for someone whose never had either?
And watch it be kryptonite.
I guess that’s why I’ve wanted to be in a relationship with you bad,
Because it is SO EASY to do the hard bits with you around.
But like i’ve said over & over at this point, I hope that this is just the sign for how glorious it’ll be when someone is actually willing to give me time everyday, and doesnt live with the daily stress of needing to run a business.
My life will truly never be the same, because I have never had quality interaction after quality interaction day after day like I have with you.
LET’S NOT FORGET.
your INSANE sense of humour, that gets me so good.
But yeah, all those exact things are things I hope to one day enjoy again most thoroughly.
You might fall in love with Hannah though.
Weirdly, that’s something my mind wants to predict.
Is that Male Hannah and Hannah fall in love.
I mean, if you do to her what you’ve done to me,
I will likely have to stop talking to you for life,
So either you fall in love with her,
Or we just become a trio.
But I cant wait to be your friend again,
Because i know i will miss my bestfriend too much to not make it back.
So everything in my power will work to internalise that I will never date you.
And cant expect relationshippy things from you,
because they will never be able to be met.
I look forward to the day.
LYMAX.
thankyou for the best time in my life,
I wouldnt know love without knowing you,
And for that im immensely grateful.
A day i didn’t think would ever come.
He’s been the light of my days,
The solace in my chaos,
Joy of my life,
And just an absolute sucker-punch of love.
but he can’t be in a relationship,
and all i seem to want is to spend the rest of my life by his side.
except we just blocked each other,
soooooooooooooo,
i guess this is it.
this is the big reveal,
the big letdown.
atleast this time i get to keep my bestfriend,
because i know how hard it suck to also not be able to do that either.
I did forget what love felt like, and if it feels even 10% of the way this man made me feel in the last 6 months -
i will happily oversubscribe the shit out of myself to it,
but boy is it going to hurt knowing i can’t talk to my bestfriend for the next couple weeks, months, until i want to stop wanting to spend my life with him.